Emotional scars take time too (Day 363)

I’m fine. Words I have spoken several times since I experienced my cardiac event on Tuesday. I’m fine. And if I kept telling myself these words I may actually believe them, but today I just really didn’t feel fine. I felt scared, frustrated, tired and blue. I felt like the happy place I secured in my illness came crumbling down in an instant. I felt negative, hopeless and like I was no longer in control. I felt defeated.

I guess anyone experiencing this kind of event, and knowing they are lucky to still be breathing can bring about some sadness. It’s a reality check. I took a fall and it hit hard, not just physically, but emotionally too. It’s going to take some time to heal from the emotional injury that also resulted from my blackout, and it may take longer then the broken hand and banged up knee.

I spent a good part of the day crying today. It just came in these big emotional waves. A side effect of betablockers can be depression, and I kept reminding myself that it’s probably just an adjustment to the new medications. The truth is though that it’s so much more then that. 

This event has made my diagnosis all the more  real, and a lot more scary. To understand the risks of long QT is one thing, it’s always been just a diagnosis on a piece of paper, something to be concerned and cautious about, but still somehow distant. To experience a life threatening event is quite another. It brings everything to the surface that I may have been downplaying before.

I miss running. I’m worried I won’t make my fundraising deadline for Jamaica now and I’m also scared to experience another cardiac event if I continue to run. I know the best thing to do is just to get back on the horse, but I can’t even do that right now. I’m still injured physically and emotionally, and I feel like my life is spinning a little out of control at the moment.

I felt exhausted again and the lack of physical activity wasn’t helping my energy levels or my mood, so it was time to saddle up, so to speak. I grabbed my cane, my dog, and my husband, and hit the great outdoors for some fresh air. After a full day of crying uncontrollably I needed to find some peace, and I found it. A short walk down by the river lifted my spirits and my mood. My husband was even able to get a laugh from me when I mentioned how slow we were walking and he joked I was setting a new PBAI (personal best after injury).

It’s at least a start to get back to my program. I’ve figured out I just can’t live without exercise anymore. It’s just part of who I’ve become. So bad heart or not, we’re just going to have to find some middle ground.